With the holidays rapidly approaching in the U.S., they can bring with them their own special cocktail of celebration and dread. For some, the pressure of hosting, or even attending, family gatherings can loom over like a wet blanket, dampening holiday cheer and adding additional strain or stress.
A few of the most common issues people navigate with their families during the holidays often stem from a combination of heightened stress, unmet expectations, and the resurfacing of old tensions. Things such as longing-standing grievances and unresolved past conflicts, unmet or unrealistic expectations, shifting family dynamics, grief and loss, financial strain, differing values or opinions, and lack of boundaries can turn any holiday gathering into a tense event that must be endured rather than enjoyed. Rather than taking the ‘grin and bear it’ approach, we’ve gathered some helpful strategies that we hope will offer you some practical ways to navigate the holidays.
Prepare Before Potentially Difficult Family Gatherings
You can think of these as a pre-party check-list. Before leaving the safety of your house and your people, consider these tips for keeping yourself and your sanity intact.
- Manage Your Expectations: Since you have a long and personal history with your family, you come with a great deal of experiential knowing about each of your family members and how they will show up at family gatherings. Allow your past experiences to set your expectations. Does your mother always comment on your weight, relationship status or your successes and failures? Does your uncle always bring up the latest political hot topic just to stir things up? Does your sibling insist on re-hashing old family conflicts? Whatever it is, you know how they have shown up in the past and you can expect them to do the same. Understanding and accepting that difficult family members are not likely to change quickly can help you maintain more realistic expectations about your potential interactions with them.
- Set Clear Boundaries: You get to decide what you are willing and able to do. Defining your boundaries will be key to feeling a sense of integrity and personal containment as you enter into family gatherings. Decide in advance which topics are off-limits, which conversation partners you’re willing to engage and how long you want to stay at the event. It may even be helpful to jot them down or tell your partner or a friend. Being really clear will help you to know when or if your boundaries have been crossed.
- Create “Scripts”: Since you have a pretty good understanding of what you’re up for, consider brainstorming some firm but kind responses for when your boundaries are tested. What will you say when your uncle brings up politics or when your sibling wants to talk about past grievances? How will you respond to your mother’s repeated inquiries into your romantic relationships? Having some go-to phrases that you can pull from may reduce some anxiety about how you will respond in the moment. Some examples could be:
- “This conversation has taken a turn and I don’t want to continue down this path with you at this time.” Or simply, “Let’s not go there.”
- “I can see that you’re passionate about [this topic], however we can agree to disagree for the moment and move on to something else.”
- “I appreciate all you’ve put together here, however it is time for me to go.”
- Identify Allies: Are there folks within your family or that will be at the gathering who you can connect with in a way that does not require so much effort? Someone who’s presence is calming or neutral? Plan to lean in to those relationships and maybe even connect beforehand about being each other’s refuge during the event.
- Plan an Exit Strategy: If you are planning to go, be intentional about your leaving. Create a plan for when and how you will depart from the event. This can feel obvious but it is easily overlooked. Consider having your own transportation so you can leave when you want to, or consider scheduling another commitment after the event so you have a hard out.
- Prioritize Caring For Yourself: Think about what you need to feel cared for and supported before, during and after difficult family gatherings. Maybe you need a time of silence or solitude to gathering yourself before or after family interactions. Maybe you need a friend or partner to process your concerns/worries with. Maybe you need someone to go with you or meet you there so you know you have an ally to support you. Maybe you need to go for a walk or run after the event, moving your body to work out what it has been holding. Whatever it is you need, plan ahead to allow yourself to have it.
Strategies for Navigating Difficult Interactions
So you’ve got your pre-party plan set: You’ve articulated your boundaries, identified your safe people and made an exit strategy… now what? Since you can only manage yourself and your responses, here are some tips for navigating tense or difficult encounters with family members:
- Stay Calm and Regulated: This is potentially the hardest to do when family members can bring up our raw, unfiltered emotions and seemingly know how to press all our buttons. The key is to maintain your sense of self in the present through staying connected to your body and emotions.
- Take deep, intentional breaths. Some folks like to do “box breathing” (breathe in for 4 seconds, hold for 4 seconds, exhale for 4 seconds, hold for 4 seconds) or other various forms of counting your breath (4-7-8 is another popular one). Others find it difficult to access these in the moment and instead prefer to simply draw their attention to their breath, noticing their inhalations and exhalations, then extending or lengthening the exhale. Whichever one you chose, the point is to stay connected to your breathing in the moment.
- Try simple grounding techniques. Interrupt your spiraling thoughts by bringing your attention back to the present moment. One way to do this is by focusing on your physical sensations like noticing the chair supporting you or noticing your feet on the floor. Another common grounding technique is 5-4-3-2-1 Senses: Identify five things you can see, four things you can feel/touch, three things you can hear, two things you can smell, and one thing you can taste.
- Use strategic pausing. Allow yourself some time to have a moment before responding. This can be a silent pause or you could say, “Let me think on that,” or “I need a moment to reflect on that.” Slowing the conversation or interaction down can help you respond rather than react in the moment.
- Making “I” Statements: Focus on communicating your experiences and expressing your feelings/emotions. “You” statements can come off like an accusation, where as “I” statements can avoid blaming and promote open communication. The general format of an I statement is: “I feel (emotion), when (situation) because (impact or need).
I asked AI to give some examples of the difference between “I” and “You” statements and here’s a few:- “You” statement (accusatory): “You always interrupt me when I’m talking!
- “I” statement (non-accusatory): “I feel frustrated when I get interrupted because it makes it hard for me to finish my thought”
- “You” statement (accusatory): “You never help me with the dishes.”
- “I” statement (non-accusatory): “I feel frustrated when the dishes are left in the sink because it means I have less time to relax.”
- “You” statement (accusatory): “You never listen to me!”
- “I” statement (non-accusatory): “I feel unheard when I see you looking at your phone while I’m talking, because what I have to say is important to me.”
- Active Non-Defensive Listening: This kind of listening is two-fold: active listening is about intentionally listening to understand the other person. Often times this requires your full attention as you listen to both the verbal (what is actually said) and the non-verbal (what is communicated through tone, body language, facial expressions, etc.). Non-defensive listening takes the posture of prioritizing the relationship rather than “winning” an argument. It is about hearing someone’s complaints/criticisms in a calm, non-judgmental way without viewing it as a personal attack and therefore becoming defensive. The goal is to de-escalate conflict.
*It should be noted that this strategy is not useful, helpful, or recommended in situations of abuse. - Agreeing to Disagree: One can only circle around and around so many times in a conversation before feeling completely exasperated and depleted. Not every conflict or tension can be resolved or even needs to be. Agreeing to disagree can be a way to hear another’s point of view while respectfully thinking or feeling differently; this can reduce the pressure to convince or change the other person.
- Knowing When to Walk Away: There may come a point where the best thing you can do for the situation is to walk away. Again, not every conflict or tension can or will be resolved. Continually assessing your own capacity will be key to knowing when it’s time to remove yourself from a person or situation.
There are no quick fixes to long held tensions or conflicts within families. The holidays can intensify and amplify tensions with additional stress and expectations. Be mindful of your own capacity and take good care of yourself and your people this holiday season.
Leave a Reply