Why It’s Hard to Regulate Big Feelings

Becoming a parent is a life changing experience. It’s full of love and joyful moments, and it’s also really difficult work. Most parents would do anything for their child and yet, it can feel impossible to do anything when their child is upset and expressing big emotions that they cannot understand (or think have gone on long enough). As adults we can easily see that our child is overreacting, not thinking about the bigger picture, or taking things too seriously. Age gives us perspective, but it also creates distance from our own emotions.

A Bit of Brain Science

When I work with parents I often start by explaining some basic neurobiology (recognizing that “basic” and “neurobiology” may feel like an oxymoron) because I think understanding some foundational elements of human brain function can help cultivate empathy and grow patience. This explanation is admittedly overly simplified, but it is accurate and does the job of making neuroscience “basic.” As a visual you can use your hand. If you make a fist with your thumb under your other fingers, you can imagine your wrist as a brain stem, your thumb as the middle part of the brain or limbic system, and your fingers on top as the prefrontal cortex.

When we are born, the primitive part of our brain (located in the brain stem) is in charge. It sits at the bottom of our brain by our neck and controls the core parts of our essential functioning like breathing, sleeping, and eating. This part of our brain is wired to keep us safe and alive and we don’t have to consciously think about these functions, they just happen.

The next part of our brain to develop is the limbic system, which drives emotions and allows us to form relationships and develop memories. It sits above the brain stem and begins to develop when we are infants and continues maturing into early adulthood. The limbic system helps us feel loved and wanted, and is impulsive and strong. When we feel disconnected, it worries that we aren’t loved and accepted, and then does what it has to do to keep us emotionally safe and connected to others. For example, when kids get hurt they cry to let their caretakers know that they need help, or when kids don’t get what they want, they are afraid their needs aren’t being met so they yell and stomp their feet as a way of advocating for themselves.

The final part of this simplified brain structure is the prefrontal cortex, where thinking and regulation occurs. This part actually sits at the top of the brain, by our forehead. It is what allows us to learn language, have abstract thoughts, strategize and plan, and manage our impulses. The prefrontal cortex also begins to develop when we are infants, and doesn’t mature until our late 20’s. Using it requires effort and practice, unlike the brain stem and limbic system which just engage without intentional thought.

When we get activated or triggered, the more primitive parts of our brain take over – sending us into our flight/fight/freeze/fold response. This means that we “flip our lids” – the prefrontal cortex becomes physically inaccessible as we are guided by our brain stem and limbic system. The takeaway here is that our children aren’t willfully disobeying us or being manipulative. They are responding the age-appropriate way their bodies and brains were designed to by prioritizing their survival needs (and yes, emotional connection and the need to feel loved and safe is a survival need).

This is true for our kids as much as it is for ourselves. We’ve all been here: we’ve been triggered by something that catches us off guard and the next thing we know we’ve said or done something we didn’t mean to and find ourselves needing to apologize or correct our impulsive action.

Helping Kids Emotionally Regulate

So what do we do? How do we respond well to our kids when they flip their lids and we start to lose our ever-loving minds?

The answer is to move in closer, to build connection, and remind our children that they are safe and loved and not alone. We do this not just with our words but with our actions and emotional expression. This looks like:

• Moving in close, within arms length
• Helping our kids put language to their emotion (“you are really upset that you can’t have another cookie”)
• Affirming their feeling (“it’s ok to be sad when we don’t get what we want”)
• Waiting calmly until the child regains access to their thinking brain (the prefrontal cortex).

It can feel counterintuitive but when we feel like someone is with us and our feelings are validated we tend to relax and regain access to the more rational part of our brain.

Now, don’t get me wrong, this is hard to do and so much gets stirred up in us when our kids are reacting. It is not easy to keep our cool and good parenting is not for the faint of heart. It takes effort, and the use of your mature and regulated prefrontal cortex to stay calm and regulated (and not flip your own lid) when the tiny human in your life is melting down, but I believe in you and am here to help if this is an area you’d like to work on.

Let’s Talk

A 10-week parenting class is starting soon. Learn more about the class here, or book a consult, submit an inquiry, send me an email, text, or call (425-340-5317) and we’ll get started.

Helpful Resources

• Robyn Gobbel, Big Baffling Behaviors — Website and free resources
• Dr. Chelsey Hauge-Zavaleta, Positive Parenthood — Instagram (and other social media)
• Dr. Becky, Good Inside — Podcast