Almost 10 years ago I was alone in my kitchen, anxious, and taking deep breaths in an attempt to stop physically shaking. I’d just wrapped up a text exchange with a respected and influential member of my former church community where I’d indicated I held a theological perspective that differed from hers, all via a group chat that included most of the women in our small church. Her pointed responses made it clear that she believed I was in dangerous territory and I was at risk of losing that community if I didn’t reevaluate my position.
The reality was I had already been deconstructing for a while. I’d just been pretty quiet about it and had only recently started to articulate the questions, theology, and biblical studies I’d begun to explore the previous few years. I had been slow to voice my thoughts because I feared scenarios like the one I was in.
Questions related to religion and beliefs are often fraught with fear. Those on the asking end worry that they’ll be rejected and perceived as losing their faith even though the questions spring from a genuine place of curiosity and desire for understanding. Those on the receiving end can feel so certain of their beliefs that the questions feel like a threat, something they must protect themselves and their loved ones from being corrupted by.
What Faith Deconstruction Actually Means
There is comfort in certainty and a natural desire for it, especially around beliefs. With certitude we gain efficiency and order; We don’t have to expend energy re-evaluating everything that comes into our orbit. For example, in mathematics we don’t have to prove that 1+1=2 every time we want to add items together and when we read, we know that the letters t-h-e spell the world “the.” We don’t have to sound it out and process it’s meaning every time we come across that letter combination. We hold what we know with certainty and that allows us to expand our knowledge sets.
The danger, however, is that we can feel protective of that knowing and shut down any natural and genuine questions as a sign of doubt or a threat to our knowledge and our world as we know it. Questions and new ideas become something to fear and difficult to tolerate because commitment to the certitude of a specific set of beliefs feels safe and it is expected if we want to belong within the group that espouses them.
Deconstruction, in its simplest form, is a process of suspending the need for certainty so that there is room to take apart a belief for inspection, analysis, and meaning making. It’s often born out of an experience that doesn’t match what is expected. It’s the process of getting new information and considering how it might fit. Something must shift – either your previous set of data or the new one – it’s not about dispassion. I’d argue that this is especially true when it comes to someone’s faith, because our beliefs are a core part of our identity this process is an even more serious and vulnerable endeavor.
Why “Take-It-Or-Leave-It” Causes Harm
From this perspective, deconstruction in and of itself isn’t actually a problem. It’s a healthy response to new information.
Harm happens when an environment doesn’t allow for natural growth to occur.
When questions are forbidden, explicitly or implicitly, the questioner gets stuck in a terrible bind. Often a false ‘take-it-or-leave-it’ binary where the questions and alternate perspectives are just bypassed. Both options leave the person feeling shamed, isolated, and rejected. They either stay without satisfactory answers or leave and have to grieve their loss of community. These actions can lead to repression of authentic questions or a deep sense of betrayal, and in some cases, religious trauma.
How to Sit in the Messy Middle of Faith Deconstruction
If you’re in a place like I was, where you feel stuck between what you thought you knew to be true and something that doesn’t quite fit, I want you to know that it’s ok not to have it figured out, yet or ever.
You always have permission to consider new ideas and change your mind. Curiosity does not betray your faith, your community, or your own identity.
If you’re in the midst of deconstruction is not likely a single event that needs to be resolved, but likely several things that will take time to explore. Deconstruction isn’t an event, it’s a process that grows and evolves with you. You are allowed to take your time, be in transition, and remain uncertain as long as you need to be.
This is the messy middle.
It can feel unstable, especially when important relationships feel like they are at risk. It can also be full of goodness and growth. And you never have to navigate it alone.
Support for Deconstruction and Religious Trauma in Washington State
If you’d like support in this middle space, please reach out. I regularly work with people individually in this capacity and also offer group therapy, which can be a particularly helpful reminder that you are not the only one with another perspective and are not alone in your journey.
At Ampersand Counseling Collective, we work with individuals across Washington State who are navigating anxiety, spiritual and relational challenges, and the particular difficulty of staying connected in a divided world. We offer individual therapy in Issaquah and on Bainbridge Island, as well as online therapy throughout Washington.