You scroll past a headline and your chest tightens.
Someone at dinner says something you disagree with and you feel your jaw clench. Or maybe it’s the opposite; you go quiet, feel yourself go numb, and check out of a conversation you know matters to you.
Sound familiar?
You’re Not Overreacting, You’re Wired This Way
One of the most relieving things to understand about your emotional reactions is that they are not random, and they are not signs that something is wrong with you. They are the product of a remarkably sophisticated survival system that has been with you since birth, and with our species for millennia.
When we encounter something that feels threatening, whether that’s a physical threat or words in a heated political conversation, our nervous system responds.
It mobilizes us. It tries to protect us.
The problem is that our nervous system can’t always tell the difference between a bear in the woods and a social media post that made our blood pressure spike.
Understanding how we respond is one of the most powerful things we can do for our emotional health.
The Window of Tolerance: Your Nervous System’s Sweet Spot
Psychiatrist, Dr. Daniel Siegel introduced the concept of the window of tolerance to describe the zone in which we are able to function most effectively. When we’re inside our window, we can think clearly, feel our emotions without being overwhelmed by them, stay curious, and engage with others, even when things are hard. But life has a way of pushing us outside that window, especially our current socio-political climate.
When you leave your window of tolerance, there are two directions we can go: Hyperarousal or Hypo-arousal.
Hyperarousal: Too Much, Too Fast
When we’re pushed into hyperarousal, our nervous system is in overdrive. This might look like:
- Racing thoughts or difficulty concentrating
- Anxiety, panic, or irritability
- A strong urge to argue, defend, or fix
- Feeling flooded, reactive, or out of control
If you’ve ever found yourself snapping at someone you love after watching the news, or feeling like you need to respond to every injustice you encounter online, you might be in a state of hyperarousal.
Hypo-arousal: Shut Down and Checked Out
On the other end of the spectrum, hypo-arousal looks like a kind of collapse. The nervous system has decided the threat is too overwhelming, and it goes into hibernation. This might look like:
- Numbness, disconnection, or apathy
- Fatigue or difficulty getting motivated
- Feeling hopeless or like nothing matters
- Withdrawing from conversations or relationships
If you’ve ever noticed yourself doom-scrolling at midnight, going blank in a difficult conversation, feeling emotionally flat after a stressful news cycle, or finding it impossible to care about things that used to matter to you, that may be hypo-arousal at work.
Neither state is a moral failure. Both are your nervous system trying to cope.
Fight, Flight, Freeze, and Fawn: What Your Body Does Under Pressure
You’ve probably heard of the fight-or-flight response. But there are actually four common responses to perceived threat, and recognizing them in yourself can be genuinely eye-opening.
- Fight: You move toward the threat. In the social/political context, this might look like arguing, debating, posting, or feeling a strong need to confront or correct others.
- Flight: You move away from the threat. This might look like avoiding news entirely, leaving difficult conversations, or staying so busy you never have to sit with how you’re feeling.
- Freeze: You go still. This might look like shutting down mid-conversation, becoming unable to respond, or feeling paralyzed in the face of something overwhelming.
- Fawn: You appease or accommodate to reduce conflict. This might look like agreeing with things you don’t actually believe, over-apologizing, or shrinking yourself to keep the peace.
Most of us have a primary response we default to. Which one feels most familiar to you?
The Cost of Living at the Extremes
One of the harder truths about navigating big emotions is that both ends of the spectrum come at a cost, even though they are normal nervous system responses designed to help us survive.
When we activate into a hyperarousal state, we can can become reactive, exhausted, and eventually unable to sustain the very care and engagement we’re trying to maintain.
In a hypo-arousal state, we might pride ourselves on staying calm or not being “political,” but over time, unfelt emotions don’t go away. They tend to show up in our bodies, our sleep, our closest relationships.
The goal isn’t to feel nothing. And it isn’t to feel everything all at once. The goal is to develop the capacity to stay present with what’s hard. When you are inside your window, with your nervous system regulated enough, you can actually respond rather than just react.
A Starting Point: Getting to Know Your Own Patterns
Before we can regulate our nervous system, we need to notice it. Here are a few reflection questions to start:
- What topics, people, or situations tend to push you into hyperarousal? (Where do you get reactive, anxious, or combative?)
- What tends to push you into hypoarousal? (Where do you shut down, go numb, or check out?)
- What does your body do when you’re activated? (Tight chest? Racing heart? Heavy limbs? Blank mind?)
- What’s your default response?
There are no right or wrong answers. This is just information. And information is where change begins.
You Don’t Have to Navigate This Alone
At Ampersand Counseling Collective, we work with individuals who are trying to find their footing in a world that often feels like too much.
Whether you’re experiencing anxiety, burnout, relational conflict, or just a vague sense that you’re not quite okay, therapy can be a place to slow down, tune in, and develop a more intentional relationship with your own nervous system.
If something in this post resonated with you, and you’re a Washington State resident, we’d love to hear from you. Appointments available online or in person in Issaquah and on Bainbridge Island.
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